Thursday, August 9, 2012

Songs you Probably like and Reasons They're Terrible (Or, I'm an unrepentant and insufferable snob whose opinion is respected by no one.): Issue #2

This issue: "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson.

This song starts off strong by contradicting common logic. "You know the bed feels warmer Sleeping here aloneWhile clearly Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV) says
"Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?

12 Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves."

"You know I dream in color And do the things I want"

"You know I dream in color." Why say this? Do you think that makes you special? Most people dream in colour. Maybe 20% dream in black and white (we can only assume that this comes from a childhood habit of having their local theater pianist play them to sleep while those crazy neighborhood kids are up to their usual silent shenanigans.) 
"And I do the things I want" 
This reminds me of a passage in Judges. Judges 17:6 to be specific. And we ALL know how that ended. NOT WELL. "In those days there was no king in Israel; every man did what was right in his own eyes (KJV)." 

And the chorus:
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger Stand a little taller Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone What doesn't kill you makes you fighter Footsteps even lighter Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone."  

Well thanks for that message of inspiration, Kelly. The only problem is that it isn't true. For instance, losing your leg in a drunk driving accident would not make you stronger. You never see that person in the gymnastics in the Olympics (I haven't anyway, but I don't watch the Olympics that much). And you might say 'ah, yeah, but EMOTIONALLY, not PHYSICALLY.' Well in that case, I can go ahead and eat my 6th fried bacon-n-butter burger coated with extra bacon and dipped in chocolate. Because while it will kill me eventually and is obscenely unhealthy, every one I eat until I die is just MAKING ME STRONGER (Although it's still inaccurate, because "footsteps even lighter" is like the opposite of what is happening every time I take a greasy delicious bite of my chocolate dipped heart attack).

The rest of the song is just repeating the bridge and chorus, so that's all the lyrics I'll analyze for now. 

But all in all, this song sends the wrong message. "it's okay to disregard the wisest man in history!"; "it's okay to be a fat fatty wallowing in bacon grease!"; and most importantly, though you only get this from the video, not the lyrics, "it's okay to include kung fu moves that would be rejected from a 1970s B movie in your poorly choreographed and cheesy music video!" 

Master Chef. 

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