Horror Story

Once, there was a little girl named Tracyn. She was an extraordinary girl. Well, not extraordinary. Pretty normal, actually. In fact, she was so normal, she was often called "Normal Tracyn", because her friends were not very imaginative with nicknames. Normally, she went to school, and she had normal conversations with her normal friends, but none of them were as normal as her. These normal conversions were often made up of words, many of which, when transcribed, would be made up of letters. On a normal day at Normalville Junior High School High, she would have normal classes, then go and have a normal lunch. This was one such day. "I think i'll go to lunch," said Tracyn, one day as she was going to lunch, heading to the lunchroom, which is where people often go after they have such thoughts as "I think i'll go to lunch", to go to lunch. She walked to the food serving... thing... line... (I didn't go to public school, i don't know what you call it). anyway, she went to get food. She walked up to the first tray of food. "Hmm, I don't think I'll have spaghetti for lunch today", said Tracyn as she looked at the spaghetti thinking "I don't think I'll have spaghetti for lunch today". She walked to the next tray. "Hmm, i don't think i want huitlacoche for lunch today". She walked to the next tray "Hmm, I don't think I want Ralph's potted meat for lunch today." Then the fateful moment happened: she walked to the next tray, filled with baked beans. She looked at them. They looked at her. She briefly wondered how they were looking back at her, but then she realized the author wasn't necessarily being literal (Although in this case he was), But by this time she realized she had broken the fourth wall, and had made the story less believable, although it wasn't that believable to begin with, although nothing out of the ordinary has happened yet. ANYWAY. She got a heaping helping of these baked beans. From this moment onward, something sparked in her, a lifelong passion for baked beans... And murder. 
               This story will continue next time, and probably finish next time as well. 
Spaghetti,
      Master Chef

The Tale of the Goat Named Haggis, pt. 2 of 37

When we left off last time, Haggis had escaped from Slipknot, and he realized he could  become a rapper. He travelled the country far and wide, near and thin, in search of someone who appreciated his rapping skill. But he found no one. One day, he went to Nashville. He saw a man with a handle bar mustache. "That extremely white man with a handle bar mustache looks like he would appreciate my rapping talents!" he said. So haggis went up to him and rapped his best rap, he was letting loose impeccable rhyming with impeccable timing, and the man stared, amazed. "This is one white man with a handlebar mustache that appreciates your rapping talents! But alas, I must be on my way. I have an important interview at the toothpaste cap factory. I'm afraid it won't go very well, for you see, i am not very verbose. If only I was an eloquent speaker as you, sir goat!" The goat agreed that this indeed was a misfortune. But then a thought came to him: perhaps if he could be the man's spokesgoat, he could be useful to the man, and perhaps the man could pay him back with toothpaste caps. When Haggis thought of this, he said to the man "Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!" which means "perhaps I could be your spokesgoat, i could be useful to you, and you could pay me back with toothpaste caps!" The man thought this was a wonderful idea. "I think this is a wonderful idea!" the white man with a handlebar mustache said, thinking that this was a wonderful idea. So they made their way to the toothpaste factory.

THE EXCITING EPIC CONTINUES NEXT WEEK!

Why you should mow your yard with an Elephant Eyebrow!

You may not know it, but your lawnmower is evil. Right now, it's probably in your storage shed or garage or lawnmower shack or other type of thing- unless you're mowing right now and simultaneously reading this, or you don't have a lawnmower- but anyway, it's plotting evilly on how best to take over the world. This is why I suggest from now on mowing your yard with….

     AN ELEPHANT EYEBROW!

Think about it. It's economical, and environmentally it's better than a lawnmower! All you have to do is order an Elephant Eyebrow for the low, low price of $19.99!*, and you'll be the envy of all your neighbors! It's quiet, easy-to-use, and stylish! Here's some great features!

-Environmentally safe

-Less work than a traditional lawnmower

-Stylish designer look

-Butter

-Milk

-Cheese

-Mace

-Eyedrops

Plus….

-IT'S AN ELEPHANT EYEBROW! WHAT MORE REASON DO YOU NEED!?!?

Here's some reviews of our groundbreaking product!

"I'm a baby, and I was a baby, and I didn't know I was a baby, but now I'm a baby"

- A baby

"That ain't no potato chip."

-Anon

"Wonderful!"

- Bradlyn Nichtenennamen

Here's how it works: you click this link, and order. http://tinyurl.com/y8ufsnp

As for the payment, we'll come to your house in the middle of the night and politely and efficiently take all your possessions and possibly your first born child, if you're poor.

Spaghetti,
Master Chef

*And by "$19.99" we mean "$7,400.27" Plus whatever jail time you receive for poaching.

8 Reasons Why Octopi Avoid Spaghetti Like the Plague

 
We all know octopi try to avoid spaghetti whenever possible- but why? In this article, we'll take an in-depth look at some of the reasons.

    1. In ancient times, it was believed by many that spaghetti was a malevolent spirit sent from the underworld sent to wreak havoc on poor unsuspecting souls, and to wreak deliciousness on their taste buds. It is believed that the leader of the octopuses left the water to fight the spaghetti and save the earth, but to defeat the spaghetti, he had to sacrifice himself. After their epic battle, both spaghetti and the king of the octopi lay vanquished. In mourning for their king, they swore to get revenge.
While this is just a rumor, it would explain Many things. But a more likely reason is....

     2.  Spaghetti is a deadly poison to octopi.
 While The first one was a rumor, this is an actual fact. In 1978, a scientist named Larrence Q Lerrison was doing experiments on squids' and octopi's favorite foods, and he discovered while the squids' 3rd favorite food on average was spaghetti, octopi would become hostile the moment they saw spaghetti. Upon further investigation, he found if he blindfolded the octopi, they would eat spaghetti. But, unfortunately every octopus he fed spaghetti to died within an hour. After many hours of research, he found that a certain key ingredient in the tomato sauce caused a severe allergic reaction in octopi.

Another reason they avoid spaghetti like the plague is...

3. They see spaghetti as an enemy. Think about it... You're in the water one day, minding your own business, at a octopus bank or something, and suddenly... A CREATURE WITH HUNDREDS OF FLAILING TENTACLES COMES FLYING AT YOU!  That's enough reason.

4. SKYMALL IS A CONSPIRACY

8. In the water, the spaghetti noodles can wrap around an octopus and strangle it. While some say this is heredity fear, it's more likely that octopus mothers tell their little octopus babies horror stories about "how the spaghetti killed uncle Oswald."

Anyway, that's 8 reasons why octopi avoid spaghetti like the plaugue. Oh, and if 5-7 didn't show up, that's because Skymall probably paid Google in massage boots to remove them.

Strange world

The world is a strange place. We have a lot of strange customs. For instance, giving people flowers to say "I'm sorry" or "I love you" or "I ran over your dog, but I'm not apologizing because your dog was messing up my shrubbery LOL". What we're really saying when we give people flowers is "here, put these in water and watch them die". I feel like they should be for making people feel bad. "here's some flowers, you can watch them die. Just like you will, sooner or later. Probably sooner." Or even as threats: "Watch these die. You're next."
Another strange thing is baseball. You hit the ball, then run as fast as you can to exactly where you started. It would be less work to just stand there. The referee would be like "go, facetard" and the player would just stand there and be like "yeah, whatever." 

Anyway, I'm off to go LOL at pictures of adorable kittens with captions on them. 
 Spaghetti, 
        Master chef

New Compè

Why hello, World! Since I've last written, I've acquired a new computer. Previously, I had been writing these blog posts from a cardboard microwave box with a computer screen and keyboard drawn with crayons by my highly trained staff of lemurs. Now that I have a computer, I have laid off my staff of lemurs. These lemurs have now banded up and formed a pop music group. Their new album "Not A Real Album" has already gone platinum, and they plan to release a new album within the next month, covering the Greatest Easy Listening Polka Hits of The 90's.
     Perhaps in the next few days, I shall return, with blog postings MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE or maybe not. Whatever.
               Spaghetti,
                         Master Chef.